The Perils Of Princess Paisley
I’ve mentioned before that I had a friend, years ago, that was named SandyMae or Meggylynn, depending on which fake name I gave her. We worked at Slark’s Submarine Sandwich, also a fake name, together. She had a younger brother named Solomon (fake name but I love that name, it means peaceable in Hebrew. It was going to be Soren, for no other reason that the fact that Soren is the name of the bad guy in Star Trek: Generations and we all know how I love Star Trek and this is the best movie of all because it is the Star Trek: The Next Generation cast with William Shatner as Captain Kirk. And the extremely hot Malcolm McDowell as Soren. I actually may only be thinking he is hot because he played a bad guy. In fact, now that I pulled up a picture of him, I’m pretty sure of it. Yikes. He got old. Although he is English, so that is definitely a plus in his favor and my God, can I go off on a tangent) who was way, way hot. But, y’know, only 16 so my lusting after him was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Okay, maybe he was 17, I’m not sure. But still, younger than me. Of course, this was before I lived in Madison and dated Dane and realized that hey, younger men are fun. Not that I would date a 17 year old now. I realize that dating someone that is 21 years younger than me might be a bit odd. I would wait until they turned 18. I mean, c’mon, I do have some standards (y’all realize I’m kidding, right? Because, yeah, while I do think that Frankie Muniz is hot (in a tuxedo), it’s not like I would date him or anything).
Anyway, I decided to write a story for my friend for fun. I used to do things like this a lot; I would write stories for my friends for Christmas. I may have to find some of those as well. This may be a bit long; it was 12 pages double-spaced so maybe I’ll break it up a little. We’ll see.
Mark, you are going to love this, I was having a lot of fun with alliteration. Anyway, I bring you:
..................................The Perils of Princess Paisley
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived a young prince by the name of Solomon. Solomon and his sister, the Princess Paisley, lived with their step-father, Derrick, the Devilish Duke of Dastardly Deeds, who was not a very nice man. Since Solomon’s and Paisley’s late mother had set up a trust fund for her children, Derrick couldn’t get at their money and he was broke. But, being such a nasty person, he came up with a good money-making scheme. He would sell Paisley to Arthur, the 93 year old Duke of Dull.
Arthur, it seemed, had a thing for young, innocent princesses. However, Derrick knew that the local peasants would be up in arms if he sold their beloved princess to be a slave girl. The local peasants loved their prince and princess. They were not very fond of Derrick and watched him night and day, just looking for a good reason to banish him from their country. Derrick managed to talk Arthur into marrying Paisley.
Now, all Derrick had to do was convince Paisley that Arthur was the perfect man for her. He called Paisley into his throne room and told her about the wonderful marriage he had arranged for her. Paisley, for some reason, was far from thrilled. In anger, she leapt up at the Devilish Duke and bit his kneecap (she was a little short).
The Devilish Duke was pissed. Nobody bit his kneecap and got away with it. His first thought was to kill Paisley but realized that Arthur would probably not want to marry a dead princess. So he slapped Paisley a few times and had his guards imprison her miles away in the old run-down castle he had lived in before he had married Paisley and Solomon’s mother. He was convinced that Paisley would come to her senses after a few days of bread and water.
One of the guards, however, was a former local peasant who hated Derrick and he told Solomon what his step-father was up to. Solomon was, to put it mildly, irritated. No one sold his sister! He knew he would have to rescue her. But he also knew that he could not storm the castle by himself and decided to enlist the help of Prince Roderick, Paisley’s secret (gasp) lover (Yes, shocking as it may seem, Paisley was not the innocent princess Derrick thought she was).
Roderick lived in the neighboring princedom, though; Solomon started to set off on his journey. He garbed himself in his shining armor, fastened his sword and other war-like things to his body and mounted his white charger. His white charger collapsed. Now, this was surprising. His white charger never had any problem carrying Solomon and his armor before. He came to the logical conclusion that someone must be on the horse with him.
He turned around and there was Laughable Lenny, the court jester, a very large and peculiar looking man. No wonder the horse had collapsed. Derrick had outlawed laughter several days before and Lenny had found himself without a job. Since Lenny was bored unless he was making people laugh, he decided he wanted to help Solomon rescue the princess. Solomon said that would be fine but that Lenny would have to find another horse.
“Aw, c’mon, Sol me boy, lighten up,” Lenny said. “Have you heard the one about the peasant that got a sex change?”
Solomon told Lenny to shut up because he was not a male chauvinist pig. Lenny found another horse and the two rode off to find Roderick and rescue Paisley.
Five hours later, they reached Roderick’s castle and told him the news. He was shocked.
“I am shocked,” Roderick said. “How dare the Devilish Duke do such a thing to my Paisley?”
The three of them all leapt onto their horses and started to ride off into the sunset. Solomon decided, however, that it might be wiser to wait until morning so that they could rescue Paisley when they were in a fresher condition.The three rested. Soon it was morning and they rode back to Solomon’s princedom, searching for the castle the Devilish Duke had Paisley imprisoned in. They found it and prepared to storm the castle when they noticed a guard leaning up against a post next to the drawbridge. Solomon approached him.
“Where is my sister, you knave, you varlet, you uncouth creature?”
The knave didn’t say anything.
“I’m talking to you, you cretin. Answer me!”
The cretin didn’t say anything. Solomon didn’t like being ignored (what prince does?) so he pulled his sword out of its scabbard.
“Perhaps the steel of my singing sword will make you speak,” said Solomon. He held the point of the sword to the varlet’s throat.
“Um, Solomon,” Roderick said. “I think we have a problem here.”
“I know we have a problem!” Solomon snapped. “This son of a dog is not answering me!”
“I don’t think he can. I think he’s dead.”
“What?” Solomon asked. The uncouth creature fell forward, landing face down on the ground. Protruding from his back was a vicious dagger.
“See what I mean? I also get the feeling that if we storm the castle it will be to no avail. I think Paisley is gone.”
“You’re right!”
“Who said that?” Solomon, Lenny and Roderick all asked one another.
“I did.” The voice belonged to a multicolored parrot perched on the post that the son of a dog had been leaning against. “Hi, my name is Annabella and I am the daughter of Lucinda, Duchess of Desire, the twin sister of Arthur, the Duke of Dull. She has captured your sister, Solomon, in the homes of luring you to her evil domain, where she will seduce you since she has this thing for young men. I am here to warn you. Don’t go!”
“But I must! My sister’s life is at stake! And I am an honorable prince.”
“Oh, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Annabella prepared to fly off.
“Wait a second, bird,” Lenny asked. "How can you be the daughter of the Duchess of Desire? What happened, did she desire a bird one day and you were the result?”
“You’re sick,” Annabella told him. “No, my mother changed me to this shape when I warned my former fiancé she wanted to seduce him. He rejected her. My mother doesn’t deal with rejection very well so she killed him and turned me into a parrot.”
“Sounds like a nice lady,” Roderick said. “We can’t leave Paisley with the likes of Lucinda. We must rescue her.”
“Fine. Well, if you’re going to ignore my advice, at least let me show you the secret way into the dungeon so you can rescue Paisley and get out of there safely?”
“Sorry, Annabella,” Solomon replied. “That is not the princely way to do things.”
“Somehow I knew you were going to say that,” Annabella said. “Will you at least allow me to show you to the castle?”
Solomon said sure, Lenny laughed loudly and Roderick renounced the risk that lay before them. The four of them set off, Annabella perched on Solomon’s shoulder.
Soon they reached the castle where Lucinda held Paisley.
“In there is where the Princess Paisley is perishing pitifully. My mother has her held in the dungeon. Are you sure you won’t let me show you the secret way?”
Solomon told her no, that his princely honor meant he had to storm the castle. Annabella told him he was an idiot and flew off in a huff. Solomon, Lenny and Roderick tied their horses to trees and approached the castle. It didn’t seem to be guarded. Solomon pushed open the front door and peered inside.
“This is very strange. If Lucinda is holding my sister, why doesn’t she have some guards around?” Solomon asked. Neither Lenny nor Roderick knew the answer. Suddenly, in a corner of the room, smoke began to billow. Solomon, Lenny and Roderick all drew their swords, prepared to battle any terrible monster that stood there.
The smoke cleared and the terrible monster was actually a young, beautiful brunette. Being typical men (okay, I had men issues at the time I wrote this, obviously, but these guys in real life were fairly delusional. If a woman is attractive, she is obviously a great person), Solomon, Lenny and Roderick all thought that something that sexy couldn’t be dangerous. They sheathed their swords. The beautiful woman undulated up to Solomon.
“Hi, gorgeous,” she breathed. “Welcome to my castle.”
“Who are you?” Solomon asked.“Why, I’m Lucinda, Duchess of Desire. Can’t you tell?”
“I’m confused,” Solomon said. “Aren’t you the twin sister of Arthur, the Duke of Dull?"
Anyway, I decided to write a story for my friend for fun. I used to do things like this a lot; I would write stories for my friends for Christmas. I may have to find some of those as well. This may be a bit long; it was 12 pages double-spaced so maybe I’ll break it up a little. We’ll see.
Mark, you are going to love this, I was having a lot of fun with alliteration. Anyway, I bring you:
..................................The Perils of Princess Paisley
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived a young prince by the name of Solomon. Solomon and his sister, the Princess Paisley, lived with their step-father, Derrick, the Devilish Duke of Dastardly Deeds, who was not a very nice man. Since Solomon’s and Paisley’s late mother had set up a trust fund for her children, Derrick couldn’t get at their money and he was broke. But, being such a nasty person, he came up with a good money-making scheme. He would sell Paisley to Arthur, the 93 year old Duke of Dull.
Arthur, it seemed, had a thing for young, innocent princesses. However, Derrick knew that the local peasants would be up in arms if he sold their beloved princess to be a slave girl. The local peasants loved their prince and princess. They were not very fond of Derrick and watched him night and day, just looking for a good reason to banish him from their country. Derrick managed to talk Arthur into marrying Paisley.
Now, all Derrick had to do was convince Paisley that Arthur was the perfect man for her. He called Paisley into his throne room and told her about the wonderful marriage he had arranged for her. Paisley, for some reason, was far from thrilled. In anger, she leapt up at the Devilish Duke and bit his kneecap (she was a little short).
The Devilish Duke was pissed. Nobody bit his kneecap and got away with it. His first thought was to kill Paisley but realized that Arthur would probably not want to marry a dead princess. So he slapped Paisley a few times and had his guards imprison her miles away in the old run-down castle he had lived in before he had married Paisley and Solomon’s mother. He was convinced that Paisley would come to her senses after a few days of bread and water.
One of the guards, however, was a former local peasant who hated Derrick and he told Solomon what his step-father was up to. Solomon was, to put it mildly, irritated. No one sold his sister! He knew he would have to rescue her. But he also knew that he could not storm the castle by himself and decided to enlist the help of Prince Roderick, Paisley’s secret (gasp) lover (Yes, shocking as it may seem, Paisley was not the innocent princess Derrick thought she was).
Roderick lived in the neighboring princedom, though; Solomon started to set off on his journey. He garbed himself in his shining armor, fastened his sword and other war-like things to his body and mounted his white charger. His white charger collapsed. Now, this was surprising. His white charger never had any problem carrying Solomon and his armor before. He came to the logical conclusion that someone must be on the horse with him.
He turned around and there was Laughable Lenny, the court jester, a very large and peculiar looking man. No wonder the horse had collapsed. Derrick had outlawed laughter several days before and Lenny had found himself without a job. Since Lenny was bored unless he was making people laugh, he decided he wanted to help Solomon rescue the princess. Solomon said that would be fine but that Lenny would have to find another horse.
“Aw, c’mon, Sol me boy, lighten up,” Lenny said. “Have you heard the one about the peasant that got a sex change?”
Solomon told Lenny to shut up because he was not a male chauvinist pig. Lenny found another horse and the two rode off to find Roderick and rescue Paisley.
Five hours later, they reached Roderick’s castle and told him the news. He was shocked.
“I am shocked,” Roderick said. “How dare the Devilish Duke do such a thing to my Paisley?”
The three of them all leapt onto their horses and started to ride off into the sunset. Solomon decided, however, that it might be wiser to wait until morning so that they could rescue Paisley when they were in a fresher condition.The three rested. Soon it was morning and they rode back to Solomon’s princedom, searching for the castle the Devilish Duke had Paisley imprisoned in. They found it and prepared to storm the castle when they noticed a guard leaning up against a post next to the drawbridge. Solomon approached him.
“Where is my sister, you knave, you varlet, you uncouth creature?”
The knave didn’t say anything.
“I’m talking to you, you cretin. Answer me!”
The cretin didn’t say anything. Solomon didn’t like being ignored (what prince does?) so he pulled his sword out of its scabbard.
“Perhaps the steel of my singing sword will make you speak,” said Solomon. He held the point of the sword to the varlet’s throat.
“Um, Solomon,” Roderick said. “I think we have a problem here.”
“I know we have a problem!” Solomon snapped. “This son of a dog is not answering me!”
“I don’t think he can. I think he’s dead.”
“What?” Solomon asked. The uncouth creature fell forward, landing face down on the ground. Protruding from his back was a vicious dagger.
“See what I mean? I also get the feeling that if we storm the castle it will be to no avail. I think Paisley is gone.”
“You’re right!”
“Who said that?” Solomon, Lenny and Roderick all asked one another.
“I did.” The voice belonged to a multicolored parrot perched on the post that the son of a dog had been leaning against. “Hi, my name is Annabella and I am the daughter of Lucinda, Duchess of Desire, the twin sister of Arthur, the Duke of Dull. She has captured your sister, Solomon, in the homes of luring you to her evil domain, where she will seduce you since she has this thing for young men. I am here to warn you. Don’t go!”
“But I must! My sister’s life is at stake! And I am an honorable prince.”
“Oh, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Annabella prepared to fly off.
“Wait a second, bird,” Lenny asked. "How can you be the daughter of the Duchess of Desire? What happened, did she desire a bird one day and you were the result?”
“You’re sick,” Annabella told him. “No, my mother changed me to this shape when I warned my former fiancé she wanted to seduce him. He rejected her. My mother doesn’t deal with rejection very well so she killed him and turned me into a parrot.”
“Sounds like a nice lady,” Roderick said. “We can’t leave Paisley with the likes of Lucinda. We must rescue her.”
“Fine. Well, if you’re going to ignore my advice, at least let me show you the secret way into the dungeon so you can rescue Paisley and get out of there safely?”
“Sorry, Annabella,” Solomon replied. “That is not the princely way to do things.”
“Somehow I knew you were going to say that,” Annabella said. “Will you at least allow me to show you to the castle?”
Solomon said sure, Lenny laughed loudly and Roderick renounced the risk that lay before them. The four of them set off, Annabella perched on Solomon’s shoulder.
Soon they reached the castle where Lucinda held Paisley.
“In there is where the Princess Paisley is perishing pitifully. My mother has her held in the dungeon. Are you sure you won’t let me show you the secret way?”
Solomon told her no, that his princely honor meant he had to storm the castle. Annabella told him he was an idiot and flew off in a huff. Solomon, Lenny and Roderick tied their horses to trees and approached the castle. It didn’t seem to be guarded. Solomon pushed open the front door and peered inside.
“This is very strange. If Lucinda is holding my sister, why doesn’t she have some guards around?” Solomon asked. Neither Lenny nor Roderick knew the answer. Suddenly, in a corner of the room, smoke began to billow. Solomon, Lenny and Roderick all drew their swords, prepared to battle any terrible monster that stood there.
The smoke cleared and the terrible monster was actually a young, beautiful brunette. Being typical men (okay, I had men issues at the time I wrote this, obviously, but these guys in real life were fairly delusional. If a woman is attractive, she is obviously a great person), Solomon, Lenny and Roderick all thought that something that sexy couldn’t be dangerous. They sheathed their swords. The beautiful woman undulated up to Solomon.
“Hi, gorgeous,” she breathed. “Welcome to my castle.”
“Who are you?” Solomon asked.“Why, I’m Lucinda, Duchess of Desire. Can’t you tell?”
“I’m confused,” Solomon said. “Aren’t you the twin sister of Arthur, the Duke of Dull?"
posted by CarpeDM | 8:13 PM
3 Comments:
OK, ok, ok - when's the next chapter? Will we have to wait three years, like for Harry?
Oh, that would be fun. There could be huge speculation over what will happen to Paisley and people would try to break into my publisher's office and steal the manuscript and I would make millions of dollars.
Hey, I finally read this and wonder, like Joe, where is the rest? Post it, dammit!
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